01 May, 2008

Dealing w/ Life

I write alot about Kalila on here... which makes perfect sense - she's the reason I started this thing lol. I try to write some about what's going on with me & Jas too, but I've skipped over a big issue. Partly because we haven't really shared w/ many people (I've talked to 2 people about it I think) & partly because we've avoided talking about it ourselves. Anyways, we've been working on that so I thought I'd share now... mostly just to get it off my chest. Plus I have another "us" story that's pretty funny to share at the end.

Last year a few weeks (month?) after we found out we were pregnant we had a huge scare. Basically I started bleeding... We went to the hospital (and had a pretty bad experience but that's beside the point). After we got seen I had a sonogram & we saw Kalila's heartbeat (which was great), got a shot (I'm rh neg) and told that I had a 50/50 chance of miscarrying. They gave me a list of things to look for that would signal it happening. The next day I was sure I did (warning you may want to skip to the next paragraph if squeemish) - saw tissue & everything.

I don't even know how to describe that day & the next - I was pretty upset... But I got sick at the same time (ended up having bronchitis) & ended up back in the hospital. We went in & they did another sonogram... and her heartbeat was still there! I chalked it up to being paranoid and imagining things.

A few months later, closer to when Kalila was born, a close friend/fam member brought the subject back up... I'm not sure why at the time lol, but I do remember she was hesitant too. Anyways, she asked me if I thought that there may have been a vanishing twin (when one miscarries early on usually before a sonogram is done). We discussed the possibility... I left it as I'm glad I don't know. I didn't think I could handle knowing if it was true. Would be easier this way... So I tried to put it out of my mind. I remember (vaguely) mentioning it to Jas at one point, but we didn't talk about it. Kalila came & things are good...

Well Kalila started eating solids... and like every baby she switches hand preferences & we know we won't know for sure if she's a rightie or leftie but we noticed that she uses her left hand a lot... consistantly. I think it's cute because Jas is left handed. So I mentioned it to my cousin & she brought up the vanishing twin thing agian. Said that she heard that they think singleton lefties may have had one because when there are mirror image twins one is left handed & one right. I was curious so I looked it up & there is research on that!

Anyways, I told Jas about that... and apparently the whole situation has been on both of our minds. We both agreed that we think that's what happened. Looking back it makes sense. I was so sure that I had miscarried that night. Of course we don't (and won't) know for 100% certainty. Which is the main reason I don't/haven't talked about it much. It almost feels like I shouldn't...

A couple weeks ago though we went to the mall. There were babies everywhere (was so cute) and we walked past a couple sets of twins... and at one point Kalila looked over at a pair & I almost busted into tears. & then a few days ago I had the same reaction when Kalila was playing by the mirror - I was taking this cute picture of her kissing herself lol... and she turned to play w/ a toy & looking through the camera I just saw two babies laying side by side. Both times I mentioned it to Jas, and we talked a little. The other day he brought it up again & told me that he thinks about it a lot too.

Like I said before, I thought not knowing would help... but it hit me all the same. Talking to Jas has helped though. (Something we should have done at the time really) We decided to give the baby a name too... I found the name Kamila (means perfect) & we thought it'd be, well, perfect lol... If that's weird so be it... we have to deal with it somehow.

Ok - on to the funnier story.

I scared us both pretty good. I feel so stupid though! The past few days I've felt a little off... being a little more emotional than normal (hello crying at Kalila next to the mirror lol), bad heartburn (never had before pg.. or after), & just felt weird. So I decided to take a pregnancy test.

I took it yesterday morning. Jas was in class, I was here w/ Kalila & Azari - definately had my hands full at the time. I misread the test. Last time I had the kind that shows two lines. This time I had one that does one control line & a plus or minus. I saw the minus & thought it was the second line.

We went all day thinking I was pregnant. I freaked out. Called my cuz, called Amy all the way in Rwanda lol... Finished freaking out & started figuring numbers - we could do it (barely.. very barely)... calmed down a little. Jas comes home, I tell him.. He freaks... Calms down... We were still in shock but getting used to the idea.

Then he went into work. I went to the restroom & randomly saw the picture on the instructions... and saw the plus sign. Confused... Looked at the test again & ---- I'M NOT PREGNANT.

I called Jas & let him know... was so excited. So was I for that matter. Yes we celebrated lol. Seriously though, part of me was starting to look forward to a second baby (little Youie or L'Nae lol)... but I'll keep looking forward to it until it's the right time!

Off to rescue Jas now... Kalila's all over the place lol. I'll post some pics soon though... Have a really cute one of Kalila eating her mango's earlier!


Christy said...

I bet you were shocked when you thought you were pregnant. I found out I was pregnant with Izzy when Porgie was 8 months old. Yup, my babies are only 17 months apart.

I think its great that you two are coming to terms with the issues that arose during your pregnancy. I am surprised the doctors never discussed this possibility.

One other thing it could have been was placental abruption. On one of the blogs I read, the woman had a partial abruption, and she saw blood/tissue too. Her placenta healed, and she ended up having a little boy about a week older than Izzy.

Mama Kalila said...

Yeah, I was shocked... I have a friend who's oldest was 6 months I think when she found out... I emailed her right away lol.

Well, teh hospital rushed us in and out that first trip. We saw a heartbeat so no reason to question. The second trip, they did a sonogram & when we saw her agian fig everything was ok/I imagined it. My dr was an incompetent jerk... he knew I went in & brushed right over the whole thing. I think we told him that twins run in our families too... but I don't remember if we told him before or after that happened. I was so glad he was't there when she was born lol.

I've heard of that too..but didn't know you could have tissue. When it was mentioned to me they said they just had bleeding. But you're right it could have been that.

One thing my cuz just mentioned (that I hadn't thought of) is that if it was a mirror twin we wouldn't have had the bleeding/tissue, would have been absorbed... but still could have been fraternal. (which we know can happen pretty easily since I double ovulate)

So I don't know... As long as we can get past it & we're finally starting too.